If you don't believe, you don't recieve - A modern perspective on Mr. Kringle

Mr. Santa Claus
1 Candy Cane Lane
North Pole
11/24/08

Dear Mr. Claus,

Hello again, another year has come and gone and it appears that you are gearing up once more for your annual sleigh ride around the world. I would extol to you the exemplary nature of my actions over the course of the past year, and the countless times I have exercised restraint in anger, generosity in kindness and passion in joy; but given the old adage: “he knows if you’ve been bad or good,” I feel it prudent to leave any moral evaluations of my character up to your discretion this holiday season.

Every year I feel the need to cut back on my Christmas list, due to feelings of guilt and self-remorse over a self-inflicted notion of being selfish. This year, however, I realize that due to the extenuating circumstances, I should be fine so long as I do not stray to high or too low. I realize that, given your mode of transit relies more on barley and oats than on petrochemicals, the recent gas price inflation of the past six months has hardly effected you. This would lead to my inkling to ask for many more gifts than usual, but my hand is stayed by yet another circumstance: the economy and politics. The crashing economy has certainly made it harder for you and your employees to purchase the necessities of living. From the basic foodstuffs such as hot chocolate, gum drops and sugar plums to the more extravagant purchases, such as transportation (provided by GM’s Buck division), prices are rising across the board. When one adds to that the obvious tariffs and other tax penalties that the president-elect will certainly levy against your “immoral and degradacious” use of elf-labor (an action which clearly violates the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 – which defined anyone under 1ft in height and possessing pointy ears as a child), it is obvious that you gain nothing from going green with your deer propulsion (though I hear Honda would be anxious to buy the rights to that technology).

As such, Mr. Claus, I submit to you my wish list for this Christmas:

1. A Good Economy
2. An internship this summer
3. A 25th hour in the day
4. The death of reality T.V.
5. Osama bin Laden (just kidding)
6. Fallout 3
7. No more pre-approved credit card ads in my mail
8. Happiness in a can (see Space Balls)
9. The Godfather I and II; so I can finally watch Part III - which you gave me six years ago!

And, finally, just in case I have not been a good boy this year and didn't live up to your expectations:

10. lucrative government bailout to encourage me to be good next year.